crypticism of transparency

Mon, 20 Jun 2005 06:56:47 GMT

"Conversations With Emily" by Park

hey pretty, whats on your mind
nothing here, an endless night
fed up and sick, tired of me
my thin boy voice ruins everything
oh sweetheart dont say such things
we dont know whos listening
dont talk, dont smile
just silently walk on by

my emily says oh lad
what has she done
to my darling innocent boy
my favorite late night someone
i wish you were here to kiss me
and scream damnit lad i need you back
emily rolls over in bed and says
it is really so bad?

hey pretty are you secretly sad?
questions i dare not ask
fed up and sick, tired of this
such simple things i miss
oh sweetheart dont say such things
we dont know who's listening
the only thing that can build this gap(?)
is the one who doesn't want me back

my emily says oh lad
how long can this last
as long as it takes to get that attention
so safe at last
i wish you were here to hold me
and scream damnit lad i need you back
emily rolls over in bed and says
you dont want that

so heres my advice to you
this shouldve turned out different
but it didnt, so get over it
but dont you find it reassuring
that one constellation glowing
my darling boy it wont snow where she is going

Fri, 17 Jun 2005 07:51:36 GMT

why. why the fuck did i answer the phone. why the fuck am i so pathetic. i fucking melt for her i feel so weak and stupid and pathetic and retareded. i'm one of fucking Jerry's Kids. god i'm so horrible. i hate this. i love her so much despite all the pain. i shouldn't but it's so hard. it's so hard to feel what i should feel, and deny the fact that no matter what i'll love her. and i'll be in love with her. i'm delusional. obviously. god i feel so pathetic. i want to just die and be done with everything.

Wed, 15 Jun 2005 07:31:38 GMT

kisses = great

closing my eyes

Wed, 02 Mar 2005 21:19:08 GMT

"Alone in December" by Underoath

You always amazed me
But that's the past
I kept silent and it rained for days
My insides were drenched
But I guess that's the part of growing up
I never wanted to learn
And I grew into the man
That you never knew
But I wouldn't be this way
If it wasn't for you
100 thank you's
If this is love
Fairy tales never came true
Judies are black in full bloom
And I died in the womb
Take it back, all that's gone
It's all still there like you left it
December stayed the same
Nothing ever changed but you
Every dream covered in dents
Love can't fly tonight
Couples will rest, I'll be sleepless
So cry yourself to sleep
This is about broken hearts
This is about me
Bending again for nothing
I'd run to you but pain awaits
I'm coming home
But I'll be late
No deeper than imagination can be
Sight with nothing to see
What's faith if I can't believe
It's everything
A cure, but I make it a disease
God take me because I hate me

Wed, 02 Feb 2005 14:01:42 GMT

check out my new wallpaper. i like it, it's all trippy on the eyes.

Fri, 28 Jan 2005 19:42:40 GMT

fucking plans changing 'n shit. i'm off to largo tonight now. maybe Gasparilla tomorrow. i dunno. proper update later in the weekend.

Thu, 27 Jan 2005 21:06:58 GMT

looks like i'm going to Largo a day later now. in any case i accomplished a lot. i just gotta complete the following:

Change my Oil
Get Gas
Mapquest directions
Put Air in my tires
Deal with the damn crackhead.

not nessicarily in that order.

oh well, i'm less stressed now, but still quite on edge. had i woken up earlier i could have taken care of what needs to be done at UCF, but oh well. i may go to Lakeland tomorow night.

i am not looking forward to calling my mother and getting into an argument about money. because i need more. i realy need to set up that work study job. tomorrow.

so tomorrow i have to:

change my major
withdraw from my C programming class
get my work study grant taken care of
do my math homework. i fucking hate algebra.

Wed, 12 Jan 2005 13:52:31 GMT

okay, i seriously want to know why the fuck i'm constantly nausious now. i mean, last time the cause was apparent, but now i don't know what's causing it. i am fucking sick of feeling sick.

motha bitchez.

Sat, 08 Jan 2005 05:34:48 GMT

i'm fucking addicted to Fullmetal Alchemist. i'm on episode 23/51. well, i am sleepy, so off to bed i go...

Fri, 17 Dec 2004 20:45:07 GMT

fuck my job
fuck my job
fuck my job
FUCK MY JOB!

okay, so last week i worked 2 days. then had 5 off. This week's schedule? I DON'T WORK A SINGLE FUCKING DAY!

i'm about to fucking quit. seriously, i'm going to get a new job and fucking quit.

.....too bad i have to deal with bullshit with school and shit. god, i'm going fucking nuts.

now i just got screwed out of $25 which i am not even going to get into. and i have no gas,and i have to go to UCF financial aid office and hope they're open, i need groceries, and i am completely fucking broke. seriously, I AM FUCKING BROKE! i have like $25 in my account, $15 in my pocket, and two weeks to come up with $630.

ima examine my lease and see if there is any way i can get out of it w/o paying exponential fees and going through bullshit.

Sobriety sucks, I'm about to start killing bitchez.

Mon, 22 Nov 2004 15:54:47 GMT

yep. so, i'm buzzed. cheap Vodka brings back bad memories though....i wonder why Rum doesn't. actually, i take that back. my buddy Brian had some Admiral Nelson's [cheap ass spiced rum] the other day and itreminded me of being with Alisha back at the trailer

*edit* CRUNNKED AS FUCK!!! the AK PWNZ i seriously am gonna DIE!

*EDIT!!***SO MUCH MORE KRIZZUNKTTT1111 Taco Bell is soon to come. mmmm....tacos. Myrna says taco funny. seriously though. the AK-48 main cola is so fucking hXc that i am going NUTS!!!

Thu, 11 Nov 2004 00:01:37 GMT

MOTHER FUCKER!!!!!

so i was going to the store to get a pizza and some soda. i decide to drive rather than walk because i didn't want to walk alone. i just don't like to, i hate being alone. anyway. so i'm driving through my apartment complex and around a right curve. well, there is a block of the cement sticking out like 4 fucking inches. yeah, it caught my back tire and blew it. my car is now at WalMart and because the hole is in the sidewall i'm prolly gonna have to replace the whole tire. that's like $90 i DON'T HAVE!

ima go bitch at the apartment people tomorrow and see if they'll give me money. jewish ass bastards....

well. ima go enjoy my pizza and Dr. Thunder now.

the FIRST poll ever posted in my journal.

Wed, 22 Sep 2004 01:12:03 GMT

fill this shiat out motha bitchez

Would you ever:

() go out with me?
() give me your number?
() have sex with me?
() let me kiss you?
() watch a movie with me...even a really sappy one?
() let me take you out to dinner?
() drive me somewhere/anywhere?
() take a shower with me?
() be my bf/gf?
() have a fling with me?
() listen to me if I called you crying even if you were out with all of your friends?
() buy me a drink if i didnt have money?
() take me home for the night?
() would you let me sleep in your bed?
() sing car kareoke w/ me?
() sit in the doctors office with me because I didn't want to go alone?
() re-post this for me to answer your questions?
() let me give you a piggyback ride?
() come pick me up at 3 am because my car ran out of gas in the middle of nowhere?

Wed, 08 Sep 2004 12:01:23 GMT

so i am still horribly tired. and a shower didn't help that. so i called in to work. now i have a daqy to sleep and deal with some shit. namely:

my speeding ticket
my car insurance bullshit
my bank

that is all for now.

i'm a fucking emo

Fri, 27 Aug 2004 03:00:51 GMT

dude, me and chris are chillin over at our friend Brian's house. watchin movies. fuckin' drizzunk. some Screwdriver and Jager Bombs. w0rd. Brian is the shit.

man, i talked to Alisha earlier and it really made me more depressed. man, i miss being with her SO much. i still feel sick and depresed and i want to vomit and die. [chris told me to mention that he is fucking drunk off his ass and has class at 8:30 am] and it sucks because i still love her so much but i can't tell her because it makes me sick to miss her so much. i want to cry and vomit and die.

Tue, 10 Aug 2004 14:22:16 GMT

"Three Evils (Embodied In Love And Shadow)"

Across the floor in the hand of where we drove the drill
a cautious ear to the mouth of your confession
think of all the things we put him through
in the face of his god would he tell the truth?

still recorded were the words that dribbled out his kiss
when eyes go blind in this man of what could once become
sever the limbs off his torso in sleep
and burn what remains so the world may now see
no longer...will we wait for your answers
back to the hell where you've come from
think of all the times you've once had
write them in a letter that says goodbye

you'll listen to reason while you're face down in the dirt
you'll stomach the hurt and break for him here just how much he's worth

slowly discarded were the remains of his lonely youth
among the alley where the dwellers scare to notice
picture a young boy in pieces and streets with leveled malfunctions
no name to be called redeemer
We'll fix him restore him...with the love is no other
think of all the things you did before
write them in a letter that says reborn

you'll listen to reason while you're face down in the dirt
you'll stomach the hurt and break for him here just how much he's worth

following you across the interstate walking away...I'll fire on
following you across the interstate walking away...I'll fire on
following you across the interstate walking away...I'll fire on

on the wrong way out
on the causeway to neverwhere
on the wrong way out
on the causeway to neverwhere
on the wrong way out
on the causeway to neverwhere

dear my friends in the time we've spent forever after beyond this when will our nightmare ever end?
dear my friends in the time we've spent forever after beyond this when will our nightmare ever end?

pull the trigger and the nightmare stops...
pull the trigger and the nightmare stops...
pull the trigger and the nightmare stops...forever you will learn
pull the trigger and the nightmare stops...forever you will learn
pull the trigger and the nightmare stops...forever you will learn

i find the lyrics appropriate. by Coheed and Cambria of course.

i think i want to get "pull the trigger and the nightmare stops" tattooed on me.

though, you squeeze it, not pull it. but i guess pull sounds better.

so i was relieved last night. i wanted to vomit for three days and was nausious. but i couldn't eat so i couldn't puke. so yesterday after the whole me being pissed and whatnot i drank. quite a bit. of Vodka and Gin. and i vomited. surprisingly i didn't black out, but i did vomit. and it felt so good. like a weight had been removed. and i still feel sick from the liquor, but that'll fade.

i'm thirsty, i want juice.

"rollin down the street
smokin indo
sippin on gin and juice" no, not really.

Sat, 17 Jul 2004 15:25:32 GMT

http://ihywyp.com/

you have to fucking check this band out. they is crazy as fuck.

any way, sleepy time for a lil while then off to UCF for pedro's game and then to Plant City.

lattaz all.

Mon, 12 Jul 2004 10:21:05 GMT

fa sho. only minor manipulation there ;P

Waiting for a Coma

Tue, 15 Jun 2004 02:26:26 GMT

okay. haven't updated in a lil while. i am really tired. i think i may be sick. anyway, i'm trying to get a job at teh BP near my house. 10pm-6am. talked to Alisha yesterday. waiting sucks.....
anyways. i want to go see Braid and Minus The Bear tomorrow, but i don wanna go alone so i prolly won't go...

everyone must listen to eX-girls. fucking crazy ass music from Japan.

go now and download.

interesting...

Sat, 12 Jun 2004 19:25:04 GMT

this is very interesting.

five thousand percent. <3

Wed, 09 Jun 2004 01:52:17 GMT

Devon
LOVES
Alisha

11111
2222
444
88

Love Level: 5000%!

Loves-O-Meter
From Go-Quiz.com

fuck uncle sam, Devon Needs You! points at you

Fri, 09 Apr 2004 20:44:03 GMT

christ i'm bored. i HATE being stuck here. have i made that clear yet? i'm not quite sure if saying it for two straight weeks got the point across...

anyway: SOMEONE COME AND GET ME OUT OF HERE!!!!

if that someone is you call me. 619-6819 first, and if it's busy or after 9: 602-5784

Wed, 07 Apr 2004 19:51:39 GMT

For the lovely Ms. Swiney I post the following link:

laworder

check that shit. Sad? Odd? People in need of help?

alrighty, a poll, so everyone comment with your opinion.

Mon, 29 Mar 2004 18:52:20 GMT

Okay, so here is the poll: Should I get a motorcycle [as planned] like a Suzuki GSX-R600 or Honda CBR 600RR, or should I get a CRX and pay insurance? Here are the details in each:

Cycle: I will prolly end up paying like $4-5k for the bike, helmet, jacket, gloves, and MRA course. Motorcycles are bad in rain, and dangerous anyways. They get better mileage, but require 93 octane. They are quicker and have higher top speed. No radio.

CRX: Okay, this one is far more intensive. The car alone will be between $2k and $5k. Then another $3500-$5k for a B18C5 [http://www.automotivehelper.com/topic150783.htm] [210 horsepower Integra GS-R Type-R engine from Japan] plus another grand or so for mounts and installation fees. Figure in another $3k for other stuff I'd need for this [tranny, wheels and tires, brakes, ECU, manifolds, suspension, etc.]

Downsides that are not initial cost: It will be off the road until I get the engine running in it [maybe 3-5 months, which is BAD]. Will take 93 octane also. This option will be expensive as hell and take much of my trust fund to accomplish. I would have to pay insurance OUT THE ASS. For my Jetta alone it's $3300 a year.

Advantages: I will race this bitch for $ and win. Radio. Safer. I plan on getting one later anyways. I know how to drive a car and won't have to take a course and get a license endorsement. I will be able to have A passenger.

So, like $6k for a bike, or $11k for a car?

Though I will take the results into consideration, they are not my final decision.

Also, I talked to Marco. Prolly gonna go look for an apartment this weekend.

Thu, 05 Feb 2004 17:56:39 GMT

so is anyone else going to Dillenger/The Locust Saturday? i have room for 2-3 more people. tix are $15.70.